A new subject for biology classes?
by Urza
Summary: I don't know if I'm allowed to post this kind of stuff...but I'll try anyway. Dave Barry-esque humor column. And yes, I know the truth about lemmings.


Today, I finished a book that, being a science fiction book about life in general, inspired several actual hours of reflective thought, very little of which was funny at all. If this column seems a bit short, now you know why.  
Anyway, there was something that I found to be interesting, and that would probably ensure the popularity of my article, so I'm putting it in here. It is this: I know that, from our glorious years in high school biology, we all remember good ol' Darwin and his Survival of The Fittest theory (which I will be referring to through the rest of the article as the "Survival of The Fittest theory"), which is the basis for many an evolution theory indeed. I believe I have found a flaw in his theory and, buoyed by the fact that Darwin is dead and cannot write nasty letters to me concerning what I'm about to say, I will proceed to inform all of my loyal readers what it is: lemmings.  
Yes, a boring creature (at best) when taken out of context, the lemming is still the cornerstone of my argument against the Survival of the Fittest. For those of you who don't know, lemmings are little, furry animals who, when they reach the appropriate age, travel great distances in single-file lines, stoically pressing on, single-mindedly determined to reach their goal, and then to jump off of it. This goal is, namely, a cliff.  
Now, I know there are those of you shaking your heads and saying to yourselves, "I know that can't be right. Every time I've gone bungee jumping, there were only humans!" but I am not making this up. And these daring, furry little suicides don't even use bungee cord!  
Now, think this through logically: a species that spends its entire life going through a cycle of essentially two steps (procreate, jump off a cliff, procreate, etc.), one of which is killing itself (and creating arguably good modern art pieces), cannot possibly fall under the jurisdiction of survival of the fittest. Factor in predators, diseases, and prime time television, and you have yourself a prime candidate for extinction.  
This is why I can no longer place my trust in the theories of evolution that are spawned by survival of the fittest. Instead, I propose a new system on which to base our ponderings, complete with modern examples: Survival of Those With the Fewest Active Brain Cells.  
While I know this may seem to be on the verge of lunacy, hear (read?) me out. Lemmings, as I discussed earlier, are just one of the examples of this new school of thought. Another is domesticated cats, which have been known to do things so stupid, I think it would significantly lower my IQ simply by typing them. However, I feel safe relating this story, at least, to you readers out there, because I have already witnessed it myself several times and feel none the worse for it. One of my cats, Jessica by name, chases his tail on the windowsills of open windows. Fortunately, he has not yet fallen off towards the outside, but several times, I've seen him tumble to the ground at my feet, scramble to get up, and then glare at me in a hurt and angry manner, as if I myself had pushed him off.  
Another example, and a highly publicized one at that, is Regis Philbin. This man, for those of you with no access to the world of pop "culture," is known for hosting a game show in which the goal is to keep from going slowly insane as Regis says, "Is that your final answer?" several thousand times within the span of thirty seconds. To my knowledge, there is supposed to be a trivia element to the show, but no one can tell what it is because of Regis' constant verbal assault of the current contestant, who, by my estimation, is much braver (or much dumber) than Kathie Lee Gifford, who had to put up with this man for a number of years (daily) on their early-morning reason to stay in bed for those extra few days, Fake Tan and the IQ-of-Seven Dwarf.  
This may not seem like much to anyone who's ever watched The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune, but when you include Regis' salary (estimated by government statisticians as four hundred times that of your typical pro football player), it seems that anyone, without regard to whether or not they have an actual, even partially working brain, can succeed in today's modern society.  
However, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. With the most memorable physical human accomplishment in the past year or two being the perfect Pac-Man game (this I am also not making up), I really ought to have foreseen the eventual decline of life in general on the planet we call home (in my case, Earth, in Regis', Planet Want-to-Strangle-This-Guy).  
But, for the moment, at any rate, all I can leave you with is this: mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lemmings.  



End file.
